Reflections on my last year as The Divorce Investigation

Reflections on my last year as The Divorce Investigation

The year is quickly coming to a close so I thought it was high time I dusted off my keyboard and write what may well be my final post as The Divorce Investigation. If you are a regular reader of Divorce Investigation you will know that my ex & I have a very positive co-parenting relationship. That we put our children first and are consistently respectful and compassionate towards one another. I know that I am lucky but I also know that such a relationship would not be possible without a significant amount of self-awareness, forgiveness and kindness, on both parts. Perhaps that’s why I feel like I don’t have anything left to say about my divorce: it happened, it was horrible for a long time and then after a lot of hard work, it got better.

We had our two years of shit, then we worked together to come to a fair divorce settlement and custody arrangement, took ownership for the role each of us played in the demise of our marriage stumbled then found our co-parenting groove, supported one another through single parenting and respectfully began the process of introducing new partners to our children. And through it all we learned to laugh again.

I’ve learned so much about myself, relationships, accountability and forgiveness through this process. I’ve learned from my past mistakes to forge a better, stronger more authentic version of myself and I’m ready to focus on the next phase of my life: The After Wife. I plan to launch my new website detective.news in the new year and obtain my divorce coaching certification to help others transition through divorce with dignity. I hope you’ll join me on my journey but as it’s a time for reflection, here’s a look back at three major events happened in 2019 that made it one of the most challenging but ultimately most rewarding years of my adult life.

1. My best friend got cancer: late last year, following an instinct, my girl Ishi George went to see her doctor. Strange symptoms persisted, tests ensued but because she is fierce and funny and fucking fabulous, I refused to believe that it was anything serious.  But then she called and said those three words that you never want to hear from someone that you love: I have cancer.  I was in denial and angry and all of the feelings rushed over me. After I had a couple of days to cry and rage, I settled on acceptance and could focus on getting her well. While I can not compare my reaction to her reality, it took several days for me to recover from that phone call, to digest the enormity of the news and imagine a life without her in it. But she fought and along with a great support network, she took that bitch, Cancer, to task. I was honoured to be her “Person” throughout her treatment and watch her gain back her strength and sass and be well once again. We know that she is one of the lucky ones who caught the cancer early and dealt it a big dose of NOPE. I have other friends who are  not as fortunate; they are Stage 4 & not Stage 1 but they are living each day to its fullest and doing all of the things.

2. I took care of my financial self: during the course of our marriage, my ex-husband took care of all of our finances and investments. He is a CA, financially savvy and actually likes studying things like interest rates, budgets, stock market indexes…stuff that bores me to tears. Following our divorce I had the opportunity to make an investment in a new condominium development. I went from not making a single investment decision in my life to buying three pre-construction condominiums in Vancouver’s overhyped real estate market. Seemed like a great decision at the time. Late Spring when the condos were nearing completion, I received a letter from the developer informing me that I should have financing for my purchases in place by late summer. That’s when I realized that I had flippantly made a high-risk, uninformed investment decision without fully considering the impact it would have on my family’s savings. I was out of my league so I asked for help. With the support and guidance of my mortgage broker and dear friend  Sabeena Bubber I was approved for the mortgages. Through Sabeena, I also found My Squad; kind of like Taylor Swift’s Squad but instead of Super Models, these Super Women were experts in their fields. I’m proud to call real estate agent Sheri Stenson, accountant Candace Nancke and notary Brenda Petrie  My Squad and I wouldn’t have gotten through this endeavour without their savvy, compassion and patience. Any profits I made I reinvested with my financial planner Simon Tanner. Simon has been teaching me about defining my investment goals, having a healthy relationship with my money and planning for my family’s financial future.  Our story was even featured on the front page of the Investing section of the Globe and Mail, Canada’s National newspaper. The publicist and the parent in me were very proud.

3. I went on the last first date of my life: following a deeply impactful Wellness Week at the renowned XXX Centre, I came back with a renewed sense of confidence, calm and commitment to my mental and physical health. While I was there, I also met several amazing people that I am proud to call my friends. Together we worked through some of our deepest issues and practiced kindness, gratitude, acceptance and forgiveness; of others and also towards ourselves. One of the most resounding revelations from a week filled with deep reflection, oceans of tears and deep belly laughter was this: I am worthy of love. I spent five years post divorce dating, having fun and finding out what I wanted from a relationship but I had not found lasting love for the simple reason that I didn’t feel deserving. As a strong, confident, independent woman, it was very hard to admit that, but it was even harder to accept that I was indeed worthy and to let someone wonderful into my life. But I did and it was the best thing that I have done in a very long time. My Love saw something in me that I had never seen in myself. He saw my true self and from the night we first met, he has shown me through his words and actions that he is committed to me. He is present in my life and makes an effort every day to prove to me that he is a good man, a kind, funny, emotionally strong and evolved man. He never lets me go to sleep without reminding me that I am beautiful and loved. I’ve watched him grow into an even better version of himself this year and I am so excited for our future together.

So we have taken the first step of blending our families: we moved into a new home together but did not move in together. My boys and I live upstairs and he and his children live in the suite below. Rather than throw everyone together all at once, Brady Bunch styles, we want to give all of the kids time to get to know one another, be comfortable in their new home and understand that although their parents are in love, it will never diminish the love we have for them. While not everyone may agree, I feel that we are doing the best we can and the comfort of our collective brood are a testament to that: they are happy, well adjusted and thriving. They are happy because their parents are happy and dedicated to them and to one another.

And as for me? Well, let’s just say that the After Wife is more amazing, more heavenly than I ever could have imagined.

Happiest of holidays, friends. See you in the After Wife.

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Same-sex marriage, divorce and love in the second act

Same-sex marriage, divorce and love in the second act

 I was on Twitter this morning & realized that I retweeted an article outlining 7 signs that you should divorce right after I sent a tweet celebrating the Supreme Court of the United States’ historic ruling legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide. I had to smile: in my world, marriage is followed by divorce in 140 characters or less.

I may be the Divorce Detectives but I still believe in the institution of marriage and that everyone – regardless of sexual orientation – has the right to marry the person they love. I join millions of people celebrating the Supreme Court’s decision today and wish many people long, happy, beautiful marriages. I will also support anyone who decides to end their marriage.


 No judgement or discrimination will ever appear on this blog. I began writing Divorce Detectives to tell my own story of overcoming a failed marriage to find respect, honesty and humour in my co-parenting adventures with my ex-husband. Over the years, my blog has evolved and become a resource and place of hope for others. I’m proud of this growth and will continue to write about my relationship with my ex, our fantastic kids and my life in The After Wife.

But I sometimes wonder: will living in The After Wife mean that I will always be divorced?

Here’s something that as a proudly, happily divorced woman I don’t often share: I’d love to get married again. I loved being married and for a long time, I was really good at it. I’m very content in my current relationship with The Ginger Snap: we are happily, deliriously, deliciously in love, share important core values and interests, and are deeply committed to one another.


We have our own lives that are very separate from one another but at every moment of every day, I know that he loves me and would do anything to make me happy. He is, in the simplest of middle-age relationship vernacular, My Person. The intellectual, independent and fiercely feminist part of me reminds me that I don’t need a husband.


 I’m a financially independent professional with a big life that includes many friends, interests and a wonderful family. I am a woman who can travel solo, pay the bills, take care of the kids AND take out the trash, RSVP without a plus one and kill all of the spiders. I don’t need a husband but goddamn it, there are some days when I would really like one.

Like a schoolgirl, I fantasize about my Mulligan Wedding. I catch myself thinking about the Pooja Singh engagement ring, the poignant wedding song, a sunlit field in late August surrounded by our children and all of our loves as I walk toward my handsome husband-to-be. I am wearing The Perfect Dress. And that man, with his warm smile, infectious laugh and quiet strength is waiting for me at the end of the aisle, offering me the chance to do over all the things I fucked up in my first marriage.

My ex-husband and I talk to one another about our children – their development, their education, their misbehavior, their hilarity – all the time. That is the bond that we will always share but we rarely go deeper. We don’t often discuss our personal or professional situations. I never know when he is having a great day or a shit day and I rarely discuss my days with him.  Our days as partners in crime are long over but there are days when I long for a post dinner conversation with my man that doesn’t involve Minecraft, body odour or homework.


Sharing an incidental or intimate moment from our day over a glass of wine or a cup of tea. Waking up with in the morning with his arms wrapped around me, imprinting me with his love until he can hug me again that night. Sharing adventures and weathering difficult times, watching me soar to new heights but there to catch me should I fall.

If there is one thing that I have learned in the After Wife it’s that divorce is hard but marriage is much harder. A beautiful wedding is just the beginning of a lifetime of commitment, communication, sacrifice and compromise, of great joy and tough times. Should I get married again, it will not be for the wedding or the chance to right the wrongs of my first marriage. I will get married again because I will be truly ready to share the rest of my life with another person.

For now, I am happy with the status quo: I am in love and I am loved. I am hopeful that this relationship will continue to blossom and surprise me each day. I look forward to to discovering the hidden depths of this extraordinary man, to growing and inspiring one another. I don’t need to get married again but I am so grateful that I live in a country where two people who love one another can solidify their commitment through marriage. And that now, our neighbours to the South have finally, finally given their citizens the same basic human right. Love is love, gay or straight, married or unmarried.

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Why did we divorce anyway? Hint: it wasn’t about sex, power or money

 

Why did we divorce anyway? Hint: it wasn’t about sex, power or money

 Today I am honored to share a guest post from a truly amazing teacher, spirit and guide, therapist consultant. I had the pleasure of meeting and working with Therapist consultant (or VPK, as he’s known) at a retreat this Spring and his unique brand of wholistic psychotherapy, spiritual storytelling and compassion helped me through a challenging time. He encouraged me to look deeply at my previous relationships especially my marriage – identify and take ownership of the mistakes I felt that I had made, forgive myself with kindness, and set goals and boundaries for new relationships.  I hope you enjoy this guest post and if you are challenged or struggling in your current relationship, I would encourage you call or email VPK today to arrange for a free 15 minute conversation in person or via Skype: 099580 45226 or inq.forensic@gmail.com

More information about VPK, his background and services can be found forensicdetectives.in/best-detective/

Why did we divorce anyway: Was is about sex, power or money? Or did we lose the plot: deepening our love, care and acknowledgement for each other?

Perhaps it was the mean-spirited roadside house that we found ourselves in – resentment-filled stories came between us, compulsive relationship patterns became the norm, or a bitter tone of condescension and disdain robbed us of our marriage?

“I wasn’t the one with a 24/7 headache” you remember screaming. Or, “You always lost it whenever we tried to talk about money” a husband recalled.” Or, now revisiting a classic, “I am not your mother who picks up after you”!

How did things deteriorate so quickly?

We both actually participated – unknowingly – in allowing either your own “inner” challenges or life’s “outer” perfect storms to erode the intimacy and resilience in our relationship.

Conscious words, unconscious behaviors and the march of time slowly but surely ganged up on us and whittled away at the well intended commitment vows

But now, NOW we can lean in and learn to steal back this power and energy from these old residual patterns – inside each of us – that still occupy rental space in the back of our minds in the “X” file.

And we can do this long before we make the same mistake – unconsciously falling asleep at the wheel of a marriage.

And we can do this long before we, once again, enter into a genuine, sustainable and deeper “second marriage”

This “second marriage” ( 1+1=3 ) insists that we do things very differently than the “first marriage” ( 1/2+1/2=1 ) and unless you want to repeat the same old story, pattern or compulsions of the first marriage in the second marriage, we need to upgrade your perspective – and NOW!

The Celts of old Ireland had this same idea of a second marriage – but this second chance took place once a year. Let me explain.

Once a year, on February 1st, all the village couples would take turns walking to the top of the hill closest by the village where Paddy and Mary would have a “dam good chat” about the past years comings and goings, the troubles and shinnaniggins that presented itself, blew through the home and all the resilience – including the deepening of love and acknowledgements – that survived.

If that private conversation at the top of the hill talking about all the positives and all the negatives went well, the couple walked down together for another year of their “second marriage”

But if the conversation went badly on account of the last years poor behaviours, the excessive drinking of Guinness or Starbucks lattes and the addictive shopping sprees gone wild, the couple walked down separately. Everyone of the other couples witnessing this annual event at the base of this hill accepted that their would be no second marriage for them – that perhaps they needed more upgrading or “how to really lean in and show up for the second marriage” training over this next year.

We, the first marriage refugees, can start our second marriage training right now – long before we march down the isle again – or the other side of the hill alone!

Here’s how it works:

1.     First we need to decide that we are going to do things differently in our relationships. After all, we are deciders more than we are doers – and once we truly decide, all manner of unseen resources become available

2.     Then make your “X” your teacher – a teacher of how to recover the joy and vitality that you unconsciously offered up to them years ago. Why? Because now you are in the business of insisting on stealing back your joy and vitality from your “X”

3.     Now, with eyes wide open, start to notice the who, what, why, when and where of where it is that you get disproportionately hooked, irrationally attached – even outraged – with your “X”s criticisms, words and behaviours.

I am talking about the times when she/he criticizes you, she/he looks at you with disdain, or they passive-aggressively humiliate you in public.

It’s a familiar feeling, tone – and you have this feeling that you want to do something destructive to get even.

THAT sticky, volatile sudden feeling is what the Tibetian’s call “Shenpa” – and it has a lot of your joy and vitality wrapped up in it

4.             When you catch Shenpa early enough you can give yourself permission to experience this high voltage energy in your body but without reacting to it. When you fully acknowledge that this same old pattern and challenge has erupted – in YOU – you notice that there is this sharp charge that now permeates your blood, emotions and thinking.

5.     You get to do anything but what you would normally do at this point. Let your body process and express this inner charge by biting your tongue, deep breathing, pacing, doing 25 push ups, all of the above if necessary – ANYTHING but same old, same old!

And that’s the heavy lifting: leaning into these alternative actions until the feeling in your body is calm, like the calm that comes after the storm has passed.

6.             Notice this calm feeling in your body, mind, soul “system” – this is the reclaimed joy and vitality that you gave to your “X” each and every time you “got on the mat” and fought.

7.     The Dalai Lama calls this reclaimed joy and vitality “Lungta” or wind horse energy – and it comes from transformed Shenpa. When you are able to do this LIFE/spiritual practice well, you literally feel like you have this wild and free wind horse energy running through your system.

This shenpa is usually available throughout our day in the form of various contractions, irritations, angers, shutting downs that happen in our ordinary lives but especially with our “X”s – which is why you make them your teacher.

Decide to make your “X” – or your WHOLE LIFE if you are feeling energetically ambitious – your teacher and watch how much of this freeing wind horse energy comes back into your system and life.

This energy is the very energy you need to reclaim and re-allocate to building your new relationships – but especially if you want a genuine, sustainable and deep second marriage

He believe that all our symptoms – in your mind, body, soul, relationships or finances – are purpose-driven to bring you back into alignment with your “Life of Deep Beauty,” of genuine vitality, intimacy and meaningful prosperity.

Michael believes that it is his job to do whatever it takes to empower, train and support you in delivering every ounce of your best life to your relationships – no matter where you live in the local/global village.

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